Mar 8, 2013

A Constant Battle

I've been dealing with the fact that we are not through with military life. 
I've been preparing my mind and spirit that we were moving onto a new chapter in our lives. That we were going to move back home with family. Where my husband grew up and where we met. Finally buy a home, have bbqs on the weekend, listen to Tejano in the mornings making breakfast, have the hot, sticky sun on our faces, and have our daughters be surrounded by our very, large extended family. But plans have changed like everything in life and I'm constantly struggling with myself to accept this new road.

It's been a long, tough, but rewarding experience these past 6 years. Going into it I thought it was nothing and could handle it all since I was a military daughter growing up, boy was I wrong! Being a wife and mother in this lifestyle is a whole new ballgame. The first 2 years being away caused me to have a lot of anxiety. I couldn't sleep and always felt restless throughout the day. In a way I couldn't program my mind to understand.."This is your life now not a vacation from home." Not to mention since I was 13 have been dealing with depression that unfortunately is extremely hereditary in my family. (ugh I'll save that story for another day.) Meeting other wives, making friends and saying goodbye to them. Changing homes, changing schools..or worse deployments ugh. It wasn't all bad though, but when I look at the bad times it does try to overpower me.

It seems when life gets to heavy like this I go through the same pattern. I try to distract my mind with more projects, more recipes, more thrifting trips, more crafts with my girls, more reading. So that throughout the day I don't have time to think and dwell on things that are no longer in my control. So that I don't disappear on the sofa in my pajamas watching movies that depress me even more. I look at my daughters and appreciate the fact that they are healthy, taken care of, and happy.  They ultimately are my peace. But once night hits and everyone is sound asleep is when my mind starts to run. And all the "what ifs" start taking over.

I know its going to be another long and bumpy road adjusting. I'm not very religious, at times I wish I was, but I do have alot of faith. I have faith that whatever we are given on our plate god makes sure  we can handle it and get through it. It won't be easy, but that is all part of living and experiencing  life I suppose.
You know I feel good already letting it all out to you whoever may be reading this and thank you for that. One thing I always tell myself is...

Thanks for listening to my ramblings and current worries. It helps.

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